a new year, a new cookie.

Here's to 2011.  You brought many adventures both good and bad. Thank you for leaving us peacefully.  And to 2012- no matter what resolutions we forget, weight we lose or gain, promises we break or goals we achieve- please be kind, forgiving and wonderful.

And here's to my new cookie recipe- I can say without a doubt that you will be kind, forgiving and wonderful.

I came across this "healthy cookie recipe" while I was looking for a healthier snack choice for the new year gatherings.  They are AH-MAY-ZING. And while they aren't a stalk of celery, they are a healthier choice.  I followed the recipe precisely with one exception.  I used Gluten-Free flour instead of whole wheat.  BUT I know either way they would be good. yummmmm.

 Happy New Year!

Per cookie: 99 calories; 5 g fat ( 2 g sat , 2 g mono ); 11 mg cholesterol; 12 g carbohydrates; 1 g protein; 1 g fiber; 64 mg sodium; 55 mg potassium.

Christmas Stripe Ribbons Christmas

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Gifts of Christmas

My mindset is so stuck on gifts.  I plan most the year what I want to buy my kids for Christmas.  I've blogged before about how we don't really over do it.  But is that enough?  Does not over doing Christmas gifts make an impact or change?  It helps my kids understand that we don't have all the money in the world to buy them every item they want but is that the real message I am trying to get at?  I think the real message I want them to have is to be truly thankful, grateful for the gifts they receive.  To give to those who aren't as lucky and bless others the way we've been blessed by many.  I read a blog today about a family who doesn't buy any gifts for themselves.  Only for others.  They shop places like compassion.com & samaritanspurse.org.  Did you know I could buy a chicken for the price of a dvd?  A whole chicken. A chicken that can lay eggs, provide food, income and fertilizer for a family in poverty.  A dvd wouldn't give me all that, only a few laughs.  I am amazed.  And I want to start a new tradition in our family - giving something like a chicken, a goat, milk, garden seeds, mosquito nets.  I am in awe of the simplistic needs others have when I am worried about buying video games and toys for my own children.

blues

Preface: I wrote this earlier in the week with the intention of it never going live.  I am ashamed of the dramatic realness this has on my life.  But, I truly believe there is a reason I am going through this.  And if part of that reason is to use my words to help others, then I will.  This might come as a shock to some of you.  Others will unfortunately understand all to well.  I love you all and that is why I write about my personal experiences.  Please don't judge me and I won't judge you either.  Let's take away the power that depression has over us, our loved ones and this world.

This time of year is hard.  Wait, what am I saying? Every day for the last few years has been hard.  Experiencing tragic deaths, hardships, frustrations and feeling alone on top of depression is hard.  Why does my mind make these experiences harder to deal with than others.  Or do I make them harder on myself?  There has been a lot of talk about the disease depression lately.  One of the most loved weathermen in Kansas City took his own life a couple weeks ago.  The news station is promoting services and begging others who struggle with depression to find the help they desperately need.  I don't have insurance.  I don't have the money to get the medication I desperately need.  I am trying to learn how to cope without meds, but it scares me.  I took up smoking a few months ago to deal with the overwhelming feelings, give myself something to look forward to, think about instead of the awful looming feeling.  It actually helped a lot.  I wasn't having panic attacks.  I didn't feel like my back was a sheet of glass ready to crack.  I was relaxed, I was calm.  I was spending too much money.  My daughters were telling me my breath had smoke in it.  My heart broke.
I quit 2 days ago and sense then, my panic attacks have taken over, my depression has soared and last night I hit a pretty rough bottom.  I have so much to look forward to.  My brother is marrying a beautiful, smart, sweet girl this weekend.  Christmas is coming and I can't wait to see the smiles on my kids faces.  My son will turn 7 in one month.  I try to think about people who passed away before we would want them to and how their families lives would be different if they were still here.  How could I make the choice to do that to my family?  I can't.  I'd like to think I am not that selfish, but I think it's more along the lines of "What would they think of me".
Depression is ugly, dark and real.  It is a disease.  And I know many people do not understand the demon it leaves inside or how someone could take their own life.  It's this constant war between life and death and it honestly doesn't have a lot to do with circumstances or frustrations.  It's like waking up every single morning fighting to stay alive.  Fighting against the thoughts, the lies, the emotion in your mind.  The truths don't seem as powerful as the lies.  The lies put you in a place where you can't crawl out.  And then comes the circumstantial. Your family member dies, your financial life is in ruin, or you simply don't feel loved or like you are a good person and the lie tells you those people will have a more simple, beautiful life without you.

But that is not the end of the story for me.  Last night, my husband and I had a real conversation about these struggles.  We usually glaze over it.  But last night, I asked him to give me one reason I should want to live.  I thought he would say, the kids, me, your friends, your family . . . he didn't.  He said "Jesus shed his blood.  He already took his own life so that you could have life."  It was the last response I expected and it made the most impact on me.  I just wrote a post about Jesus' birth.  About the true meaning of Christmas.  But the whole reason Jesus was born, was to die.  To take away my sins, to take away these thoughts, to take away the lies and replace them with promises.  If he promised to come to earth as a baby just to die for me, how could those other promises not be true?
Promises like this one:

Psalm 107:13-16

¹³ Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
   and he delivered them from their distress.
¹⁴He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death,
   and burst their bonds apart.
¹⁵ Let them thank the LORD for his steadfast love,
   for his wondrous works to the children of man!
¹⁶For he shatters the doors of bronze
   and cuts in two the bars of iron.

English Standard Version (ESV)

The Holy Bible, English Standard Version Copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a division of Good News Publishers.

This doesn't take away the feelings, the lies, the pain.  But it does give me hope. And I am hoping after covering my life in these promises- they will eventually give me peace.

After I finished this, a friend posted this video to facebook.  I sat there and cried and cried.

A very frugal Christmas

A few friends posted this article this morning, which is right in line with something that has really been bothering me as a mom.  I am seriously so frustrated with families who buy a ton of crap for their kids just for it to end up in a toy box never seen again, broken or lost.  I know many people in our generation grew up getting a million things for Christmas, oh and we went to midnight mass on Christmas Eve too to balance it all out.  Why do Christians feel the need to live on the fence at Christmastime?  We want to have one foot in consumerism and one foot in "the true meaning of the season".  I have no problem with buying your kids things they want or need for Christmas.  But I do have a problem with raising kids to think Jesus's birth is about them getting a million things they didn't even know existed.
Luke and I don't do everything right, not even close.  But thankfully, we're on the same page about buying our kids stuff for Christmas.  My family never went crazy for Christmas, but I have no doubt that my parents were probably stretched thinner than they should have been one time or another.  I even recall a Christmas where the expectations I had didn't align with what I received.  I was sad, but I knew better at that age to show my parents and I knew that life isn't fair and just because my friends got something did not mean I needed it.  Luke's family has never had an emphasis on gifts for birthdays or Christmas.  So, for him, he does want to give the kids some but not over do it at all.  I think he feels like he gained more by not receiving many gifts because he appreciated the smaller items he did get.  These experiences coupled with our tight budget is how we landed on how we handle Christmas gifts.  First of all, we set a clear, achievable budget.  This year, it was $150.  Roughly, $30 per person.  Are you laughing? Me too.  Secondly, we like to get 3 gifts for each of the kids.  It helps incorporate the story of the 3 wise-men and also, keeps us to our budget and sanity.   Lastly, we try to do homemade, inexpensive things for teachers, bus drivers, family & friends.

This year, I was able to get some amazing deals with Walmart Layaway, price matches & black friday!  I don't want to blow the Christmas surprises, but we stayed within our budget, and got the kids 3 things each the asked for including Lego's, ds games & fur real friends.  Here's how we did this:  Luke and I looked through the walmart christmas catalog and online to find the gifts we wanted to get the kids.  We started a Walmart Layaway plan and we put 5% down.  Then, we found price matches like mad.  Walmart allows you to price match your layaway!  When we would see something on our list for cheaper, we'd stop by layaway.  I went black friday evening and price matched best buy, NFM, target & walmart's own BFAD's.  I also saved up all the gift cards where you have $1.03 left on them and bought stocking stuffers (dvds & tag books) with that priced match for Black Friday, of course.  The awesome thing about the layaway is at any time you can put one or more things back.  So, there is not that feeling of I.O.U.

We stuck to our budget.  We're not hurting for money this month and everything is bought, paid for and wrapped.  What a blessing to unwrap gifts Christmas morning without the looming credit card bill racking up in your head.  And further more, what a gift to teach your children the importance of Jesus' birth while following his principles for financial living along the way.

I have been working on a homemade Advent calendar for the kids.  They have had a blast helping me put it together and reading the verses. I want them to know why we celebrate Christmas.  During the fourth century, the Roman Empire was full of pagan worship to the sun gods.  They burned a massive bon fire to give the god of sun strength during the winter solstice.  Church leaders attempted to be missional by marrying the winter solstice celebration with a celebration of Jesus' birth. "Today we find ourselves left with a bizarre marriage of pagan and Christian elements that characterizes our modern celebration of Christmas." - John MacArthur
You see, from the beginning there has been this struggle between the lavish gifts, food, excitement and honoring the birth of Jesus Christ.  This is not anything new.  Our choice lies in whether or not we will stay true to the beliefs we have through out the entire year or just when it's convienient.